What? I Can't Hear You!

As most of you know, I was forced to retire early because of a duty related hearing loss. It took a little bit of adjusting to the fact that my services were no longer required and I would, from that day forward, be considered disabled and out of law enforcement forever. Well, until I die anyway, and then who knows what could happen.

The most significant hearing loss was the right ear and this week I discovered I had a cold. Being the trained observer that I am, I noticed the runny and itchy nose, a little bit of sneezing and coughing, but most of all, I noticed both my ears were slowing plugging up. For those of you with normal hearing, try lightly placing your left and right index finger on the appropriate ear - just enough to muffle sound and you will have an idea of what I am experiencing. Ugh.

So then I says to myself (cuz nobody else is listening), I wonder if they have jokes for deaf folks. Guess what? I said, GUESS WHAT? Yes, they do indeed have jokes for and about hearing impaired people. So, without further ado, hear (sorry, couldn't resist) is a sampling from the American Sign Language:

Two deaf men are signing to each other.
The first man asks, "What did your wife say when you got home late last night?
The second man replies, "She swore a blue streak"
And the first man asks, "What did you do then?"
And the second man replies, "I turned out the light."
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A Mafia gang takes on a deaf man to run their deliveries, feeling it would be safer having someone unable to overhear conversations. However, one day when he is to deliver a large sum of money, he never shows up with it. The mobsters track him down, but don't find the money on him. As none of them are able to use sign language, they bring in an interpreter.

Mobster: "Where'd you hide the money?" (Interpreter signs the question.)

The bag man signs his reply. The interpreter says, "He says he had to ditch it in the river because the cops were onto him."

Mobster: "I'm not fooling around! You better tell me where that money is!" (Interpreter again signs.)

The bag man signs his reply, and the interpreter relays, "He swears he is telling the truth. He had to get rid of it."

The mobster pulls out a revolver and points it between the deaf man's eyes. "Tell me where that money is, or I'll kill you right now!"
(Interpreter signs his statement.)

The bag man, sweating profusely, signs, "It's inside a shoebox under a loose floorboard in my bedroom closet."

The interpreter says, "He says he doesn't know where it is and he doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."
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A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street
with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma
and be cheerful."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart
murmur. Be careful."
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"
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An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem.
So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.
He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"
There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"
Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
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SILENT AND ODORLESS:
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor,
you've got to help me. I pass gas HUNDREDS of times a day."
He tells the doctor that it's silent and odorless. Then he says, "Doctor, you won't believe this but I've passed gas ten times while we've been talking."
So the doctor gives him some pills, "Here, take two of these every day and come see me in two weeks."
The guy comes back in one week complaining, Doctor, what's in these pills? I still have the gas, it's still silent, but now it smells absolutely TERRIBLE!"
The doctor says, "Well that takes care of your sinus problem, now let's work on your hearing."
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Just a few jokes that I hope make you smile. I'll be glad when this cold is over and my ears clear up.